Someday I’ll write fully of my personal archaeology of warmth, of the people for whom I’ve had that feeling and of how they fit into my life. But for now, I’ll just write of a dream I had last night. In the dream, I’d just seen Karen, the first person for whom I ever felt warmth, again for the first time in more than twenty-five years. We were on our way to meet some people for lunch. We were riding to the restaurant on bicycles, and in the way that’s possible only in dreams, I was easily holding her hand against the top of my leg as we rode along. I could already tell that I still had that warm feeling for her, and I was trying to tell what her feeling was for me. I wasn’t able to do that, but I didn’t really need to because what I had then was enough. Warmth is like that....it’s always enough.


What would it take to fill the empty spaces in your life? For me, that would be love. But warmth will do until then...

All human interaction other than warmth is just layers. Warmth is intersections. It’s like sex for the soul.

When you love someone, you love
them. When you feel warmth for someone, it’s more that you love being with them.

Warmth is the simplest, most elegant feeling. It’s so elemental and yet so complete. It’s not love, nor is it romance. It’s its own thing. Something different, something quieter. Something very quiet...


Warmth provides an environment for you to safely unfold. It gives you someone to wrap yourself around, to wrap your feelings around. There is nothing like it in all of life.

When considered intellectually, warmth seems to be a complex feeling that includes aspects of the feelings you have for your children, for your parents, for your friends, and for your lovers. But when it’s
felt, you know that warmth is simpler than that. The difference between the way a thing can be known by the mind and the way it can be known by the heart...

Warmth is like most fine cuisine in that it’s about a harmonious combination of things that come together to a simple effect.

When in came to making me feel warm, neither Charleen nor Anita had much at the surface—the way they looked and the personality they put out for the world at large. But Alma and Julie had an abundance of those things; I felt that warmth for them just a few minutes into our first talk. And yet eventually I felt such warmth for all those women. They all had things beneath the surface that made me feel warm, and it was just a matter of having enough time with each of them to feel that warmth.


Warmth is such a comfortable feeling because it’s already inside you. You never really know
what it is, but you always know when it is.

Warmth has motion within stillness. On the outside, all is quiet, but on the inside, there is the most beautiful resonance. The flow of warmth is also like exercise for your heart; it keeps things moving and in shape.

Warmth is like the attraction between a magnet and a piece of iron...there’s not a lot it depends on.

Warmth is a flow, like an electrical current. And, as in an electrical current, the amount of flow depends on the voltage—the potential energy, the attraction between the two people—and on the resistance—the openness of the two people.

But warmth is really all in you. All you need from the other person is to make a connection…to complete the circuit. I wonder if love is just warmth that flows through the circuit in both directions...


If there is a soul that endures after our death, perhaps even one that’s set free then, mine will want simply to be warm again.

When I think of heaven, I think of warmth. Warmth is the love of the angels, whereas what we think of as love is the love of humans, a love that includes the body. Our bodies can be an impediment to pure warmth, but they can also act as a catalyst in the reaction that produces warmth—facilitating it but not being consumed by it.


Is warmth simply the beginning of love? Not that warmth always ends in love, but that love always begins in warmth?

Is warmth a sign of the possibility of love, or is it simply the absence of a sign of the impossibility of love?


Togetherness is the currency of warmth—that which you use in order to have warmth. And being together is the commerce of warmth, that which you do in order to have something to use to feel warm.


The limitation of warmth is that you can’t be warmed by the warmth another person feels for you. You can be warmed only by the warmth you feel for another person.

Perhaps the highest state in life is simply having the ability to be warm all the time, even when you’re alone in life. As for me, I need a certain kind of person in order to feel warm. What does that mean? That the circuit of warmth is broken somewhere inside me? That it needs to be amplified by something external?


Warmth isn’t so much about being warm as it’s about being in a state of equilibrium with another person, with your surroundings, and with the external world.

Warmth is like an echo whereas love is absorbed. Warmth bounces off the other person and comes back to you, revealing them but only in outline. And that outline is simply the archetype of warmth that’s already inside you.

I don’t know what causes that warmth; some things cannot be seen inside of. It’s like when you’re out on the deck smoking a cigar and you’re thinking long thoughts, sometimes standing still, sometimes moving around. Every now and then you puff on the cigar. You don’t consciously command any of these actions; they just seem to happen. Or say you’re having dinner and you take a sip of wine. This generally doesn’t happen because you think
I’m thirsty; what can I do about that? It just happens. And in order for you to take that drink, an enormously complex and precisely coordinated sequence of actions has to take place. You don’t think to reach out for the glass, to pick it up, to raise it to your mouth, and to drink from it. It all just happens without your consciously commanding your nerves and muscles to take each of the many little steps that are required.


Of the eight women for whom I’ve felt warmth, I can say that I wanted nothing
from them…I just wanted to be with them sometimes. Just seeing them smile was always enough; it didn’t matter whether they were smiling at me or whether I was merely caught in the midst of a smile they were giving to the world at large simply because they were happy for whatever reason.

Of the one woman I’ve fully loved, I can say that I wanted
her all the time.



Warm overpowers sexual attraction, makes it more of a side dish than an entree.
Just another thing to enjoy about her...with her.

Sex without warmth means you and the other person are just satisfactory sexual outlets for one another. For each of you, it’s not about the other person, it’s about yourself. Each person, to the other, is just a
type, an abstraction rather than a reality, a general being rather than a specific being. No overlap is possible here.

The difference between sex with warmth and sex without warmth. It’s as if there’s a glowing warmth around your hands then, and when you reach for her you’re really reaching into the overlap. Every touch goes deeper than the surface, No matter how smooth and beautiful the surface is, every touch goes deeper. It’s not her breast you’re stroking then, but her…absolutely all of her. The overlap is where the two of you really come together…some enchanted middle ground.

Warmth enables you to have the lightest of touches, not merely a hungry touch. There’s a lot to be said for a hungry touch, too, but only when it comes at the right time, only when it’s in counterpoint to all those light touches.
The symphony of love...


There can never be enough warm thoughts of us floating about in the world…

Unlike most people, when I think of dying I don’t think of heaven and hell, I don’t think of whether I’ll see my dad and brother again, I don’t think of what I’ve made of my life. I think of only one thing...Will I be warm again? Or will it just be that I’m no longer be cold?